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"Deep in grief, we look up and see the reflection in the mirror is not our own, not us as we have previously known ourselves. We are changed and we do not recognise the stranger we have become".
Joanne Cacciatore
Grief Steals From You
Experiencing a profound loss does so much to your identity. It’s a big part of why grief can feel so terrifying. It challenges everything you thought you knew to be true and above all it makes you question yourself, incessantly.
Your sense of trust in yourself, in your instincts, your core values and beliefs, it all comes crashing down around you in a messy tangle of why’s and how’s.
I’ve heard it said that motherhood irrevocably changes you, so why would your baby dying not change you? And of course, I agree with the sentiment. But it drastically oversimplifies an incredibly complex and different set of circumstances.
Grief doesn’t just change you… if you’re not careful it steals from you.
Heck, pretty sure this happens for a period of time whether you’re careful or not. For some this lasts for weeks, or months, but I’ve no doubt that for many this theft of self is felt for years.
When Ada died I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. I was disgusted, betrayed, angry, I felt like the truest example of a failure. It took nearly 4months for those feelings to start to loosen their grip, no small thanks to therapy.
But they don't let go. But there are so many other losses of self, comparatively benign to the above, but they are important and missed none the less. Like my love for socialising, of trying new things, being spontaneous… and a long list of interests, like music.
I chose the music for Adas funeral and it was undeniably traumatic. Music has played a large role in my life, it was the fun, the colour… but after Ada died I couldn’t listen anymore. Not at home, not in the car. Not at all. Grief steals from you.
By around 8mths pp, I found a way, but to get there I had to find a playlist that held no memories for me, no triggers… and that for me has been a spotify playlist called ‘Uplifting Soul Classics’.
Now, it’s nothing against soul music but it’s just not a genre I ever listened to at length previously (unless in samples). But for now it’s safe, it’s kind and it has returned music to my life.
Grief steal from you.